Triathlon: How it actually went down

Triathlons are a great thing for me. I have a tendency towards training in an erratic, dysfunctional way that allows me to do 20 things at once while simultaneously not achieving very much in any of them! Okay, that's not entirely true. But I'd rather do a bunch of stuff and be good than do one thing all the time and be just good enough to know that I need at least 20 more hours a week to be as good as I'd like to be, for the all effort that I've been expending just doing this one thing.

But I digress.

Triathlon: done. Feelin' fine. I want to do at least one a year, mainly because I'm not in karate anymore and need something besides a $500 ranking to get me into the gym on a regular basis. I think it's attainable. Plus I'd like to see some improvement on what was a good, but not outstanding, outcome. Here's the breakdown.

4:30 - Arise. Play with dogs.

5:00 - Leave house on time. Thank Rita for making me get ready the night before. Say bye to dogs. Muse that my bike tire is not flat, although it was yesterday before I pumped it up. Should be fine.

6:45 - Arrive on time. Feelin' fine. Unload bike, and note that my tire is still solid.

7:00 - Register, warm up. They gave us shots of Red Bull in our registration packs. I note all the empty discarded Red Bull cans on the ground. Nasty.

7:30 - Pedantically set up transition area. Catch people beside me listening to me raving like a lunatic. Decide that my breakfast smoothie and power spheres had just the right amount of sugar. Continue to chat with bicycle, which is still a-okay.

7:55 - Step into the nice warm water. Get splashed right in the crotch by Craig . Craig now has the mental edge on me.

7:59 - Back to the beach for the beach start. Find myself at the front of the Men 25-29 heat. Notice that everyone around me has a crazed look in their eyes and decide that the smart thing to do would be not to jump in at the front of this heat. Scrap that idea. Let's do this.

8:00 - Go! Receiving and throwing punches and kicks while trying to swim. Awesome. I'm winning!

8:01 - Battered and out of breath. Better swimmers passing me. Still have 95% of the swim left. Curse my own foolish desire to "do this".

8:16 - Leave the water. Happy with swim. Suck in abdominal muscles for camera.

8:18 - Transition complete. Get berated by official for not securing helmet before deracking my bike. Curses. Run across asphalt for ~600m in cycling cleats. Get on bicycle.

8:19 - Note that my front tire feels a little mushy. Oh god.

8:25 - Begin to weigh the pros and cons of changing my front tire in the middle of this triathlon. Decide that its not too bad yet, and hopefully this whole ordeal with blow over or smooth itself out.

8:40 - Grinding rim on pavement. Too tired to muster manual dexterity to complete a tire change now. Decide to finish ride on flat tire.

8:55 - Pray that there are no more turns, because my front tire is really not getting much traction any more. Get passed by athlete riding hybrid bike. Get passed by awkward teenager in loose cotton t-shirt and enormous flowery board shorts. Feel like n00b. Damn my wheel.

9:23 - Finish the cycling portion. Unnaturally happy to be starting a 7km run after already 1.5 hours of exercise. Rita takes picture of me finishing the ride. Captures flat tire perfectly.

9:25 - Happiness evaporates. Running effing sucks. Feel like I've just started running for the first time after gaining 100 lbs. Note to myself: Let's do this. But without as much conviction as before.

9:40 - Start to think about the time Allen's fiance finished a 10km race and then nearly died at the finish line after her heart failed. Decide that I will go straight to the hospital after race is over.

9:41 - Second wind. I am unstoppable. I pass everyone.

9:43 - Second wind is over. I am in agony, and covered in Gatorade that I am trying to spit out but is kind of just dribbling down my shirt.

10:04 - See finish line. Feel as happy as the day I got married, but more physically relieved.

10:05 - Finish triathlon. Pleasantly, we stay and eat sausages, instead of going to the hospital. Feel pleased with myself.

Here are my official times, for comparison purposes and assessment of athleticism. I finished 292nd, which is solidly in the middle of the pack. All my times were also solidly in the middle of the pack. That's dandy.

To summarize the experience, I felt good about pulling the ride off with only one inflated tire for 10km, and I was proud that I didn't walk during the run portion. The swim was excellent in spite of my overeager stupidity, and also because of it.

I also need to lose 15 pounds before the next one. That will help a lot. And maybe some hill training on the bike. But really, losing 15 pounds would be phenomenal.